Don't Turn a Good Guy Bad....

In spite of how good most of them are, October doesn't seem to be such a hot month for my guy friends with relationships. I promised to start giving advice and that I would start with Trenton so here it is....

Trenton's story touched my heart. If for no other reason than because my Twitter timeline gets bombarded with messages about how dudes ain't ish, or how sick they are of men and their bs. Most of the venom is directed at Black Men which aggravates me to no end. I can't for the life of me understand why so many women so often hold the actions of a few against the whole.

I'm the main one who should stand up next to Terri McMillan and tear Black men down, if we're basing it on what happened in our most recent relationships.

In spite of my last relationship, I have a Daddy, 2 brothers, and a grandfather that are all Black men who have been good to the women they spend their lives with. I also have a cadre of friends who almost always seem to do right by their significant others. This is among the multitude of reasons that I love them all and will continue to love Black men.

Hell, they need one of us to be their cheerleader....

They remind me that no matter what happened in my last relationship, I should always be hopeful.

I'm beginning to feel responsible for all this romantic discord in the world around me what with my October Rule post and all.

Trenton had a young lady* friend who lived outta state. He's a decent looking dude, with a good head on his shoulder & and earns a nice lil' chunk of change. Trenton's is an avid follower of my blog. It seems he took the recycling piece seriously 'cause he has recyled the outta state piece twice before this visit... To be fair, they were dating, broke up, a few years later gave it another chance, same outcome, so needless to say he was mildly hesitant about giving the situation a 3rd go round.

He and I spoke for days before she showed up, him looking to his slightly older yet much wiser sister from another mother for my sage advice. Thing is, outta town shorty had done him foul each of the numerous times they'd pledged their love to one another. I wouldn't go so far as to say she played him, but.....You know the Katy Perry Song, Hot & Cold? Yeah, basically she lived the lyrics with him.

I gave him very blunt advice:

Enjoy her while she's there, and KIM (Keep It Moving) once she's gone.

Though I am hopeful about finding someone new to eventually call my own, right about now, I've got a real dude mentality about dating. When I heard Trenton start waxing poetic about the way things used to be with them, I had to reinforce his dudeness by advocating just splashing shorty and by NO MEANS talking about what could be between them.

Needless to say, outta town shawty came through like a Spanish Fly and loosened up poor Trenton's resolve. They talked about their past and contemplated their future. Him giving me constant updates via instant messenger. Me playing Cyber Cyranno and aiding him in keeping some of his shield up. With his permission, I am reprinting a part of our convo.

She's gone.

I learned a few things...1) my heart still works. 2)Whatever little heart I do have, she's still a part of it. I've been soo cold since I broke up with her and mind you, I was dating a bad bitch last semester. But 3) My gut and my indecisiveness outweigh my desire to get back with her. Yes, she's dated jerks in the past who just used her for sex and now, because I don't, she loves the ground I walk on...again for the 2nd, 3rd time. But now, I'm good....I'm a keep my walls up....and I'ma keep her on the outside of that wall and just be friends. If it's meant to be, she'll still be around in 4-6 years. It still hurts a little bit....but that feeling is only the proof that what we built, what she took for granted, was in fact real. But that was never questionable for either of us.

My heart broke...

I thought for a while, quite a long while, of what I should say to him because it was sooo clear to me he needed to hear something. He needed some reassurance that he wasn't losing face, playing himself, or looking like a sucka. This is what I came up with:

Time can heal many wounds and can also help you two grow to a better place for each other. Right now, you're closer to that place than you were before. That's why it feels better between you and hurts all at once. Take your time and build strong independent foundations so that you two can come together and be stronger.

I have believed myself to love a few men in my lifetime, and it isn't until the next time I "fall in love" that I realize what came before feels nothing like what I was living in in the then present. I've had strong passion, non erotic and erotic for someone and for what he represented to me, but may not have been comfortable at my core with who he was and ultimately wouldn't like the man he became towards the end of our relationship. The heart wants what it wants when it wants it.

Life for your would be far more miserable if you tried to deny your heart.

I thought about how many good guys have been turned cold by broads who were not ready to accept what good dudes have to offer. Too often, I've found chicks will keep a dude around so they don't have to be lonely, but not 'cause they really want to be with them. I'd like to take thi moment to amend the October Rule. It's not just for jumpoffs. If there is someone that you are not invested in, just rip the bandaid off and KIM.... Don't ruin a good dude (or chick) just 'cause you're a punk who's afraid to be alone....

SMOOCHES

SHINE ON!!!

* I use that term loosely 'cause when someone hurts those I care about, I find it hard to apply terms of respect to them even if I'm making these judgments sight unseen....