There is something magical about the building and waiting with someone new. Those giddy feelings of almost being comfortable, but still too hesitant to let it all hang out.
The sext messages....
The lol smiley face emails....
The calls just to let you know you're on someone's mind...
All those special feelings that make everyday feel like springtime.
*SIGH*
The more anticipation I build about seeing or being with someone, the younger and more adolescent I feel.... it always makes me feel like a teenager with my first real crush...
Ahhhh l'amore....
Anticipation can bubble into a happy romance, or at least a decent booty call.
But what happens when instead it bubbles into a cauldron of scalding oil? I recently got an email in the Dear Lauren box that had me CRACKING UP. Tina wrote to me to ask about a dilemma she's having with her Bust-It-Baby...her words not mine.
Dear Lauren,
SHEESH!!! I wish I could be a more patient woman. I would hate for someone to look at me or treat me as though I were disposable, but unfortunately, at this point in my life, that is EXACTLY how I am starting to see others. It seems some people just are not meant to be in my cypher for too long. Let's take my Bust-It-Baby. I was lusting for old boy HARD... I mean REAL HARD (double entendre intended.)
When we met, there was instant sexual chemistry. I checked him out as he walked down the street and even hollered after him like a dude. (That is so not like me!)
I was feeling him, he was feeling me. We talked on the phone a few times. We sent suggestive text messages. We Facebook friended each other and he follows me on Twitter. A few times, we turned up the heat and spoke via instant message for nasty chats.
He sent me pictures of him shirtless and muscles all rippling. His body was NICE!!!
He'd say things like "If you could play with any part of my body, where what would you choose?" I'd reply with witty yet sexy banter. I already found him attractive as all hell, and he was turning me on mentally as well. We even had a DIY phone session together one night. I was really, REALLY into him physically.
The whole thing was big fun.....until we finally did the grown up.
Ehhh....let's just say I could'a had a V-8. It was soooooooooooooooo sooooooooooo bad. I'm not going to say I could earn my living on my back, but I have had no complaints. I have NEVER had a situation as GOD AWFUL as this one was.
Oh yeah, and the pics of him shirtless must have been old 'cause he felt much doughier in person than he'd looked.
Bust-It-Baby held sooooo much promise too.. there was soooo much possibility in what I thought he was going to do to me and tragically, he didn't. I know kissing and telling is soooo high school, but I had been so excited about hooking up with him and for what?
It wasn't his fault....but......
I didn't read any more of her email at this point. I wrote her back IMMEDIATELY. Why did I respond so abruptly? Simple. If you are going to talk big, you'd better be prepared to back it the up and by this of course I mean you'd better have old girl bent the over bucking against you like a wild stallion. What's the Biggie quote? "Real thugs move in silence..." Yeah pal, that goes for friends w/bennies too.
If you can't put it DOWN, don't draw attention to yourself by getting caught for false advertising too. Then she wouldn't have had any expectations and she could have reveled in the post coitus stink happy. Instead she's writing me and complaining about your wack stroke.
Personally, I can't stand being disappointed. That's like the worst bloody thing you can do to me. I REALLY can't stand being disappointed and naked so I was really feeling for Tina. Here is what I wrote back to her.
Dear Tina,
You have a few options as to what you can do in this situation. It would, of course depend on what made it bad. For argument's sake, I'm gonna assume that it wasn't his package, but perhaps his technique/method? Since you already started making excuses for this affront to your vagina, I shall also assume that you like him a lil' sumpin' sumpin' and could possibly see spending more of the season splashing this dude, so I'll offer remedial suggestions first.
The first suggestion, I'd like to call "Baseball Rules."
Baseball rules are simple: 3 Strikes and he's out.
If you can bear to try it again with him, then do so, but only 2 more times. Maybe he had first time jitters. Maybe his tummy was upset...
I dunno. I know sometimes I've had bedroom boogie sessions with dudes that weren't as hot as they were other times. Patience can be a virtue. Sometimes it just takes a little physical comfort between you two to make it work. If you feel up to it, give him the two more chances.
The next option I'll call "Community Service."
Essentially what this entails is shaping and instructing him into being the lover you want him to be.
Gently show him to what works for you.
Place his hands, guide his stroke.
Demonstrate as a part of your foreplay, if you feel up to it.
Like all community service, this will require great amounts of work and chances are, it'll frustrate you so much, you won't want to be bothered with him. Try to exercise patience and remember how he made you moan on the phone that time.
If all other motivation fails, think of the greater good.
Imagine the legions of women you're sparing from what you had to endure.
Do it in the name of sisterhood.
It really isn't nice to let trash dick just be out there in the world torturing and frustrating other women, which brings me to the next option.
Tell him the truth.
Let him know he's a lousy lay and run for the hills. Chances are, no one before you has ever let him know that he is not the Champion Lover he professes to be and this is why he walks around thinking he is the Cock o'the Walk. DENIED.
Give him an itemized list as to why he can not come over and bump uglies with you EVER AGAIN.
You hate his head game (wait...did he even give you head?)
His crotch smells like french onion soup.
He didn't make use of your bendability.
You can't deal with the cornrows on his ass.
His sweat smelled like salt & vinegar pork rinds.
You can't stand his OH face or the Wookie sound he made when he came.
Whatever it is that turned you off from Mr. Bust-it-Baby, let him know. Just don't go making stuff up for the sake of being mean.
You're not out to wound him, just let him know why he's no longer allowed to poke your womb.
When you've tried one or both of the other two first and found no satisfaction, opt for the truth. Just know that this can be a potentially volatile experience. He can either take what you are saying as the tutorial it is intended to be, or he can take offense and let you know your chocha smells like the wharf and that fucking you was like sticking his dick in a side of beef with mad cow disease.
That is why this option is a last resort.
At any rate, one or all of these should help you resolve your issue.
Happy Humping & thanks for watching THE LAUREN SHOW!!!!
And remember kiddies:
DON'T LET ANYONE DULL YOUR SHINE!!!!
Smooches!
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