Happily Ever After?

@manywomen was in a mood on monday morning.

It seems that she had some light discord with a non-work friend LAST week. Nothing too major, just a difference of opinion and not even a heated difference of opinion at that.

Apparently, the friend still felt a certain sort of way about the exchange, lamented about it to her husband, who then took it upon himself to call @manywomen and reprimand her about making his wife feel badly about something that didn't really have anything to do with him or with @manywomen.

She promptly told him to f*%k off.

Tickled as I was about her reaction to what he said, it got me to thinking...

Mulling through my thoughts my eyes landed on A Belle in Brooklyn's post about marriage.

http://www.abelleinbrooklyn.com/home/2010/1/3/reflections-marriage.html

She wasn't disparaging the institution, she wasn't chomping at the bit to get to it, instead, she was reflecting on a recent wedding she attended and wondering what it takes to make a marriage.

What does it take to make a marriage?

More people seem to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop than they do about how to coexist happily with the person they love more than flowers love the sun.

At my bridal shower, kitchen themed of course, I am a cooker, ask about me, one of the parlor games we played involved the ladies at the shower writing the ingredients for a good marriage on recipe cards for me.

Love

Work

Patience

An open heart

I'm trying to remember all the things the coterie of my mother's friends (and two of mine) suggested for me to live happily ever after with my chosen mate.

I don't have the cards anymore. They were among the things I lost in the fire. (Don't ask.)

Having been a card carrying member of the married before thirty club, I can honestly say that I rushed into it.

We both did.

We thought that it was silly to have a lengthy cohabitational situation/engagement.

Why drag it out if we (thought we) knew what we wanted?

Thing is, we didn't really know each other long enough or well enough to have the foundation needed to weather the storm.

People always ask me 'what happened?' as far as what the impetus was for the decline of the self proclaimed "Wil & Jada of Brooklyn."

Some people believe that you may really really like someone, and that over the years of a marriage, you in love with the person, but that love doesn't always burn as intensely at the beginning of a marriage.

We were the opposite.

We burned passionately, intensely, and crazily.

We were madly head-over-heels in love.

We smothered each other with affection, attention, and time.

We were that annoying couple who finished each other's sentences, shared inside jokes, and lived in a world separate and apart from everyone else around us.

For the first three years of our relationship, we did EVERYTHING together...

We did EVERYTHING TOGETHER....

We braided our lives together, made our friends be friends, shopped together, attended all of each other's work functions together, spent idle time together, created together (well he created & I just tried to help.)

We didn't spend one night apart, until we started to spend all of our nights apart and THAT was the problem.

THAT was what we did wrong.

We burned too fast and too hot together.

We did too much of our lives together.

Two people constantly around one another with SO many ways to stay in contact did not allow each other any time to miss each other.

There was no mystery, no space between us, no privacy.

There was no fairytale between us after a while.

There was no appreciation when you know that forever is allegedly guaranteed.

There is a vast difference between loving someone and becoming obsessed with/addicted to them.

I am a strong advocate of people in a relationship sharing a life together, but it is of the utmost importance that you maintain your own life, your own stuff, your own patterns while still creating

The other day, after reading my open letter post, one of the ladies said that she was actively walking into love because falling hurts.

She has a point.

Falling in love hurts because eventually you're going to have to get up and you'll feel what you injured on the way down.

You'll feel the things you stopped doing.

You'll feel the friends you stopped talking to.

You'll feel the routines you gave up for them.

I'd much rather walk in love, then maybe run a little, as long as I have someone to run wild with me.

My favorite, and oft used quote from Sex and the City is:

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

So if you want this soon-to-be-legally-single woman's advice about what it takes to have a successful marriage I'll tell you:

It takes two people in love willing to maintain love for themselves while still maintaining a love and appreciation for each other. Two people willing to make a life together while still holding onto one of their own.

And patience...and alcohol....lots and lots of alcohol and sex help a marriage too. freaky deaky sex...in public place....LOTS AND LOTS of freaky deaky "safe word" sex. umm....not that I know from experience or anything....

If you can do that, then you can have the happily ever after so many of us have allowed to slip through our now-unadorned fingers like a rope on the losing end of tug-of-war.

speaking of which, do you know anyone who wants to buy a diamond ring in an antique platinum setting?

i keed i keed....unless you're gonna do it....

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!