matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match.com

I was skimming the newspaper yesterday to see what all was going on with the world when I found myself landing on the Daily News' personal ads page.

Have any of you ever read the personal ads?

I do, I try to read them in character and imagine the person who wrote them. It's kind of hard not to automatically imagine Garbage Pail Kids looking individuals salivating over their keyboards as they submit the ads.

Perusing the ads, I realize that what they are writing is honestly not much different from what it is I want.

Someone to watch movies with.

Someone to enjoy life with.

Someone who has a joie de vivre.

Skimming the ads made me realize that:

Your girl has officially decided to get back out there & give the dating world a try.

Well, sort of. I don't want to date for sport. That to me feels like skeet shooting PUN INTENDED when I'd much rather just hunt..

be vewwy vewwy qwiet....I'm hunting unicorns

Dear Single-Gainfully-Employed-No- Babies-Or-Disease-Having-Attactive-5'10"-or-Taller-Physically-Fit-& Able-College-Educated-Men-Between-The-Ages-of-28-40: Watchoutnow!

I'm sure someone among you will take note that in my very detailed list above I did not include ethnicity. Le sigh...This is not a diss.

Brothers, I ♥ you madly and of course I'll always give y'all first dibs on the delightfulness that is The Lauren. I am trying to be a little more flexible and broadening my horizons. Before one of you signifying monkeys tries to attribute this decision to being scorned by the ex, let me explain...

I'm kinda looking for something new. PUN INTENDED.

Kinda, not entirely, not even w/a real focus or intent, but it sounds nice to say.

I'm not entirely diving into the "White's Only" pink toed side of the pool w/gusto just yet, but I am open to try new things if it comes along with the right piece, oops, I mean package, I mean IN the right package.

How do I go about starting to date again?

No, I'm not taking out a personal ad in the Daily News nor will I be answering one.

Them things are like calling a 1-900 #!

As I embark upon this search for my compatible unicorn, I must stress that I do NOT want to be matchmade by a friend.

There are few things as uncomfortable as being matchmade by a meddling friend. In my mind it runs a close third to dental surgery without anesthesia and watching one of those Lifetime movies.

I hate the pressure of trying to get a rhythm with a new person, a friend of a friend or relative of a friend if you will, with that friend hovering around asking for constant status updates. "Soooo, what do you think?" There's always meddling & pressure for it to work out, which it rarely does.

I overshare with my friends, often the strange & bizarre things that occur on my dates. It is part of who I am, a dude can love it or leave it alone. I know y'all love it or you wouldn't keep tuning in.

I can't allow a friend to matchmake me because with my tendency to overshare, and sometimes do physical reenactments like on crime shows, I don't wanna make you gag or groan.

In between my insecurities badgering you with "Well did he say anything?"or "What does he think?" which could, in and of itself sour things with us, how am I supposed to tell a story of how funny someone's "oh face" is when it's your brother or cousin?

That's just nasty & uncomfortable.

Let's spare ourselves that level of awkwardness by just NOT going there. Unless of course you happen to be related to my unicorn in which case we may just have to let our friendship be the sacrificial lamb to my happiness.

I refuse to try and holla at someone at my job. Aside from there being ABSOLUTELY NO PROSPECTS, as smothering and doting and all wrapped in love that I can be, I need some time away from a boo to start to miss him. It would just be too uncomfortable to work with a bun.

Seriously, like would we have to go to lunch together all the time?

I think it is important for people in a relationship to have and share a life together, but also to have their own separate things to do too. When your lives become too intwined, you begin to lose some of yourself. Ask me how I know.

I'm far too old to be out in someone's club trying to bag....been there, done that. Written about the horrible results.

I wanted to try Speed Dating, but those outings cost upwards of $30...unless there's an open bar, I'm not sure I'm trying to go down that route for play play

So unless I'm going to bring a man home from the grocery store, quietly and secretly before I was opening myself up to the universe to look for someone else, this dude did try and slip me his digits while I was on the phone w/@candice202 at the deli counter, the whole experience was sooo Waiting to Exhale and we all saw how that played out with Robin, I'm left with online options.

Post the holidays, I've found my slightly lonely ass bombarded with Match.com & eHarmony commercials. It's almost as though they know that any of us poor shmucks who made it through the first round may not last all the way through that fateful day in February where the whole world basically shits on you if you don't have someone on your arm.

This evening, as I sit at my desk and pretend to work on the next Best Seller, I plan on setting up an account with either Match.com or e.Harmony, depending on who has the hotter pics of guys & longest free trial. tee hee

I'm curious. I must admit I'm curious.

Of course you know I'll keep you posted on my results. My life for your edutainment of course.

I won't be on long because if I'm going to pay for a date, I may as well PAY for a date. I got no qualms about being someone's sugar momma. We can ball on a budget 'til my overdraft runs out.

Let's see what happens...

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!!