An open letter

Dear You,

I have never been brave enough to actually have these words to form in my mouth

Pride won't allow me to let you hear my voice again

I wanted to call and let you know how awful what you did made me feel

But then I thought, if I have to tell you how fucked up what you did is, and why it is so fucked up,

you are probably the wrong person for me to be feeling this for anyway

so you'll keep doing it

yup, you're still doing it

even as I'm writing this I wish I wasn't

even as I'm feeling this I wish I wasn't

I wish I hadn't allowed you to taint my focus

taint my heart

taint my world with your impossible possibilities

I wish I didn't

allow another person to have this much control over my emotions

allow another person to control how I feel

allow another person to control what I feel

allow another person to control who I feel it for

I allowed this

climbing you is like a slippery and inconsistent hill

I was willing to dance up in hopes of finding my happiness at the top

only to effectively be shoved down the other side by the man behind the curtain

One of your faces professing love and adoration to someone so clearly starved of it

the other face demanding space, peace, and no ties that bind

I didn't deserve that

I was open

I was raw

I was yours,

again

I allowed you to affect me AGAIN

Fool

I'm a fool

I had a dream where he came to speak to me to apologize for all that he'd ever done and ask me for another chance

EVEN IN MY SLEEP my first thought was how this would affect you

EVEN IN MY SLEEP you became a priority to me

Lucid and awake I wasn't a factor for you to consider

Lucid and awake you stared through me with faraway eyes and thoughts of others

Lucid and awake how I felt meant nothing

Means nothing

it is nothing

it was nothing

or at least it will be for me soon

I don't deserve this

I won't be open

I won't be raw

I won't be yours,

again

I won't allow you to affect me AGAIN

Fool

You're a fool

EVEN IN MY SLEEP you became a priority to me

Lucid and now awake you will no longer be a factor for me to consider

Perhaps in your dreams I will finally be what I should have been in life

Signed, Me.

it's too late

i'm sorry i loved you

it hurts me, but it's cool

you told me you loved me too

and then you lost your love

oh then you lost your love

wanted me to go away but i can't.

-E.Badu