Not the Baby Daddy

So last night at dinner I was hatching my dastardly plan of how I would take the online dating world by storm. The men of the online dating world would be overjoyed that I had joined whatever service I was going to go with and would flood my inbox with all of their oh-so-suitable profiles.

I am nothing if not optimistic.

Jasmine, Carly, Basquiat were listening intently to my criteria and yaying or naying what they felt would help or hinder my profile.

I'd arrived at dinner with my marble composition book ready with my notes which I prattled off to them with a mouthful of sweet potato fries.

The wine poured easily as we chatted about how hilarious and colorful a story it would be if I met husband #2 or baby daddy #1-&-only online after joking and blogging about it

The natural griot of the group, I scrolled through my list, colorfully gesturing or rehashing an already known anecdote as to why certain things were criteria. I entertained, they ate and laughed and occasionally chimed in with their own tale of similar woe. But this evening's social session had a very clear primary objective. Helping me to craft the ideal profile for my venture into online dating wonderland

To be clear, I do not want to scare off possible or past suitors by leading you to believe that every intimate detail of our lives together becomes the butt of a joke or a blogpost.

Darling, I do hold somethings sacred.

Mostly those special somethings that happen between a man and a woman in the dark. HOWEVER, there are some stories that need to be told and told humorously because if I can't laugh about them, I may fall down from crying.

So, cut the Doll some slack before you mentally go in on me. Kthnx.

A splendid time was being had by all at our favorite local spot.

We were well into bottle I had just uttered the "No Babies" rule, when Carly interrupted me & abruptly shitted on my parade.

"Well damn! You just cut your list down to like, five eligible dudes."

This statement promptly brought about my world renown WTF face.

Upon seeing it and fully recognizing the verbal barrage that was about to follow, Carly offered the following tragic assemblage of words:

"I mean, Lauren we all know why you feel that way, but realistically, at our age, you're going to have an impossible time finding a dude that meets your standards AND doesn't have a baby. You'd be better off finding that unicorn you talked about in the other post. Your dating pool just turned into a bird bath."

Bitch.

I didn't say it. And I didn't REALLY mean it, but for just a split second, I felt it.

As I know some of you are still just getting to know me, I should elaborate and explain why I feel I must so steadfastly stick to the "No Babies" rule.

I LOVE children. #nokells

One day I look forward to mothering a flock of my own children with whoever wants to profit from the good genes I offer. Unless a child is in one of my classes, or I sign up for Big Brother, Big Sister, or take in a foster child other that the CHILDREN/Gheis who are always in residence in Lauren's Lair, I'm not trying to play house with anyone else's babies NO TIME SOON.

In addition to recovering from wifedom, I also had to go through the withdrawal of being a stepmommy.

When I found out the ex had a daughter, initially I was nonplus about it. I'd never dated a man with a baby before and there was something comforting about knowing that he had a little lady he had to care for.

not the ex, not his daughter, but tragically pics of black men & their daughters are hard to come by

Men who are GOOD fathers can make a girl feel safe, protected, looked after. I didn't have to be as tough with him because he could see the sweet Daddy's girl I'd had to shield from unworthies before him. I could be me and be vulnerable. Dude was a doting father and absolutely adored his daughter and that bled into how he interacted with me in the early days.

In truth, watching his interactions with her, loving her but not having her live with him, helped me in a lot of ways to find some common ground with my Daddy. I was able to recognize a side of him that I'd previously been blind to.

When he and I decided we were going to do us FOR REAL, I had yet to meet his daughter. When she was 7 years old, she came and stayed with us for the summer. Being a child of two remarried parents, I knew how important it was for us to have a good relationship and wanted to do whatever I could to facilitate a positive relationship between us and include her in the new family unit we were trying to build together. She would not be treated as a peer, but I felt it was important for her to know that how she felt mattered to me.

Within the first few days of our meeting, I had a conversation with her. Woman to little woman.

"Sweetie, I want you to know, I really love your Daddy. He and I are thinking about getting married. You are the most important thing in the world to your Daddy. I want you to know that I will not marry him without your permission. While you are here, I want you to think about this. Before you go back, I want you to let me know if I have your permission or not. If you say no, I will have to honor that."

Within a few days, she said to me:

"It's ok with me for you to marry my Daddy. I'd like to have you as a wicked stepmother."

Over the years, that became a joke between us. She'd either call me Wicked (no stepmother) or Supermom. While many chicks who date dudes with babies talk about the child's mother and the children disparagingly and try to act as though they don't exist, I embraced the situation and charged forward with the focus and determination of a suburban soccer mom driving a suburban.

I subscribed to Parents magazine, kept up with all the tween trends, read the mommy blogs, and engrossed myself in all of her likes, dislikes and passions, as fleeting and ever changing as they were. If doing something I love, I do it WELL and I love her as if she'd come from my own body.

Everyone who saw us interact knew I was anything BUT wicked to babygirl. When she would come to stay with us, we did everything together and had a marvelous time doing so.

That first summer was a little rocky here and there, even after having garnered her permission.

Going from being a single lady to being a girl with a Just-Add-Water family got the best of me one day when she was homesick for her mother.

As he was doing the best he could to entertain her and bridge the gap between his girls (me & the baby) he began to feel slighted by how she felt. The two of them took to sulking together and there was nothing I could do to make either of them feel any better.

I was faced with a problem that I couldn't readily and easily fix and I felt helpless and excluded from their bubble of lineage.

I ran away.

Not really, I just went outside and sat by myself for a little while to read and think and I had an epiphany that shook me to my core.

I was about to tie my life to a man for whom I could never be the mother of his first born.

For some woman somewhere, that sounds like a menial problem, but I have never had a child and when I have one, I want it to be a new and exciting adventure for BOTH of us.

I don't want him to be able to reference his experience with his other baby momma(s) when he advises me on how to alleviate stretch marks.

I want OUR baby to be the heir to the throne.

The idea made me sob, or perhaps it was the frustration of going from zero to sixty in parent miles, but I sat outside and wept.

Was this what I really wanted to do?

As much as I loved my husband-to-be, there were manymanymany times even after we were married that I asked myself this question.

A few minutes later, the two of them came outside to check on me. The storm had passed and they wanted to do something together as a family. I looked at the two loving faces staring at each other and playfully engaging each other as only a Daddy and daughter can.

I tucked my nagging worry away at the back of my mind and joined in the frolic with them.

Fast forward almost six years later.

Losing a husband is hard, but after a month or so, it starts to feel like any other messy break up. You go through the whole grief cycle until eventually you're numb and if you are both truly done with each other emotionally as he and I are the two of you can talk about assets and property as though it is nothing. We were wrong for each other and there is no reason for either of us to be children and punish one another because of it.

Adults can do this.

Children can not.

Losing a child that you loved as though it were your own is a type of grief that nothing else can prepare you for.

A child can not as readily understand and forgive a step parent for shattering their illusions about marriage and fairy tale endings. Later in life, she and I may reconcile, but I don't want to complicate her life right now. For now, I'll be the Wicked Stepmother.

While I am eternally hopeful for my happily ever after, the fact of the matter is that relationships, even those started with the best intentions, do not always work out. I don't know how to interact or be around a child on a regular basis and not endear myself to them and not embrace them as my own.

I have an annoying tendency to mother and dote upon the men in my life. Mothering kids is EASY for me. It isn't an annoyance or a hindrance.

One of the reasons I have the success that I do as an educator is because I follow one of Michael Carrerra's major principles:

Treat every child as if he or she is your own.

If I do that for the legions of students that have passed through my program over the years, how would I look professing my love for a man and not doing the same for his progeny?

"So, why no babies?" you ask again?

I CAN NOT BEAR TO LOSE A CHILD AGAIN.

Is it selfish? Hell yeah, but it is what I need to do in order to keep myself together.

Folks can think what they like about me, but until they wanna walk a year in my stilletos, they should keep their thoughts to themselves.

So Carly, I'm sorry. I shouldn't've thought "Bitch" when you said what you said. If any dudes with babies send me their profiles, I'll keep you in mind.

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!!!