The Worst Case Scenario Rule

I ♥ reconnecting with old friends.

Over my stay in ATL, I bumped into one of the homies I haven't seen in forever at a house party. We made polite small talk, caught up on what we've both been up to. This was the day of the MANCHILD post that so many of my male viewers adored (voice laced with sarcasm.)

I kept checking my bberry to see what all the fuss was about and to respond to the commenters.

Feeling rude, I explained what I was doing, piqued his interest and thus another

THE LAUREN SHOW viewer was born.

My perspective on ♥ & relationships for all.

After reading my Creole Mack post, and defending that they were still in style, the homie, umm yeah the same one who said R.I.P to his boner in the last post, agreed that some folks out there are exactly as shallow as I'd described but you could escape that type of foolishness if you stick to the Worst Case Scenario Rule.

According to him it is

"the most important rule of all. It ensures your life can stay with 99 problems and a b*%ch will never be one."

Curious? I was.

Here it is:

Worst Case Scenario Rule.

Basically, the rule is that you don't f*%k any man or woman where the worst case scenario, preggers, would be a bad situation 'cause he/she's wack, crazy, a loser, etc. Basically, if you think you'd freak out 'cause he/she's not that fresh, then don't do it. Also known as the no whammy press your luck rule. lol not an easy one for most dudes, but hey.

The discomfort in this pic speaks VOLUMES

Oh

Em

Gee

I didn't know there was an actual name to the rule that I've applied to my life eternally.

Out of the umm....6 dudes I've ever been with (damn I hope that's the same # I used last time) they may have been MANCHILDren, but they were highly f*%kable MANCHILDren, who were intelligent, came from good families, had decent genes, shared some interests with me, funny, had a lil' je ne sais quois to them, etc.

Petty you say?

tut tut tut

Everyone has criteria about what it will take to get their drawls to slide down their legs like a stripper on a pole.

Yours may be based on finance, or power, or achievements.

I don't discount those things. They're important to me too, I just happen to add that they need to be someone I wouldn't mind breeding with.

Nothing shuts down loving like the possibility of a unwanted bun in the oven.

Say what you want about me, but I'm not trying to be the mother of a hobgoblin just 'cause his daddy's wallet is fat.

You go have a baby by one of these vinyl thugs and see how long it takes you to be a millionaire.

I am well aware that there are other resolutions and getting knocked up doesn't have to be a life sentence with a person you may be lukewarm about, which brings me to the soft and pink addendum to the Worst Case Scenario.

The older you get, the more you should actually have fond feelings for your bedfellows.

Random & casual sex may have been what was hot for you in your younger, more formative & explorative years, but unless you're dead, you're aging.

Everyone around you is waddling around with big bellies in front of them or on their arm, playing with their mini-mes and looking blissfully happy.

NO ONE wants to be the old unsettled cougar ho or the grey haired goatee hood wearing an oversized fitted still clubbing every night looking for love w/a birthdate on your license that is contemporary with the Carter Administration. take the double entendre or leave it.

When you see someone that you'd love to puh-puh-puh-poker face or a dude you want to tattoo your claw marks across his deltoids, you must THINK ABOUT THE OUTCOME FIRST and then you have a couple of options.

Either

* devote yourself to do the Clooney lifestyle and just be a lifetime serial monogamist with no cuffing and no seeds left behind

OR

* do the Jonas thing and abstain, we see how well that worked for Bristol Palin and Quinn Fabray,

OR

* add them to your mental rolodex for DIY nights, sex w/yourself is the safest and sometimes best sex you can have

OR

* just come to grips with possibly being connected to this individual with a wonky eye but banging body FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE 'cause it's always a possibility.

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!!!