How to Bounce When Sprung

Dear Lauren,

I am involved with a dude who I should probably cut loose. He's dreadfully inconsistent, terribly inconsiderate, completely self centered, and horribly inattentive....outside the bedroom. But honey, when we get our "bedroom boogie on," as you put it....well, let's just say it makes it really, really hard for me to stay away and stay mad at him. He's the most amazing and attentive lover I've ever had. I think I love him, but I'm not totally sure if I love him or how good he makes me feel, in bed. He's not mean, he's not malicious, he's just kinda all over the place. What should I do?

-Suzie Sprung

Damn Suzie! It's like that?  

(Ok, while I write my answer to this one I'm going to have to listen to some Trina or Nicki Minaj to get my head right on some pimp ish....)
Well.
In many ways you should feel fortunate to have found that dude that keeps you walking around singing Drake's Anthem.

Awww, you prolly even have that as your ringtone for him, don't you? Not hating, I'm just saying, ummm...

Being sprung is a dangerous thing. You're likely to start doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do, this could be a good thing. Insert smiley face. If you're a sexually adventurous  type of girl, the two of you can have BIG FUN . Or you may find yourself making decisions you wouldn't ordinarily make.

Speaking of which,
I once gave a pedicure to a piece's MOTHER and her feet were a WRECK! 

Ole girl's feet look like they were the progeny of Denzel's feet in Glory & Joe Morton's feet in Brother from Another Planet. 

You know your girl was open offa that piece to get caught making that old broad's feet look presentable. But he was taaaaallllll, (I told y'all I like to climb trees,) dark as blackberries & just as sweet!!! Whooeeee!!! I wonder if his foreign ass is still single...heeey booo! No wait, it was girth, (physical not peen) and not his actual stroke that was dope...ugh nevermind.  Anyway, I digress....

The long and short of it is that being sprung is a whole lot like an addiction. You just have to decide how addicted you are. If your addiction, much like his attentiveness is limited to the boudoir, then you should be a big girl, recognize & accept the situation for what it is & enjoy your bedrocking. So long as you're taking care of your health and his (sidebar: did you know CA doesn't make porn studios force their performers to wear condoms? Whoa! Stay classy Cali porn!) then there's absolutely nothing wrong w/having a grown up-intimates only relationship. 

If you can handle it, and quite frankly those of us born with wombs have a tough time doing this for long. Keep him around so u don't attack your other dates. Get it beat up like a house track on Jersey Shore then you can build w/your dates instead of worrying abt what their Oh Face looks like.

 

Keep your feelings in check and don't create unrealistic expectations of old boy. You can't do a damn thing to change him. He has to wanna do that for himself. Hell, if I knew the secret to making a dude submit to my will, I wouldn't be singing Ursher to 1st husband....HURRY UP & SIGN ALREADY!!! #imjustsayin

Now, if you find yourself on some rabbit boiling moves, you prolly need to leave old boy alone and get you some tofu peen. I've heard rave reviews about the Hitachi Magic Wand. It comes (parumpum) highly recommended.

SMOOCHES!!!
SHINE ON!!!