I feel pretty...oh sooo pretty...

I promise I will get y'all that smart people's blog post about the differences in how boys & girls learn & the role it plays in our happily ever afters. I had mucho rehearsal this weekend, so I didn't get to finish my research. I don't want to present you with misinformation. so...umm here's some ho sh*t. Enjoy!

Some of y'all got it soooo wrong.

Y'all are hitting the gym like a psycho trying to keep the outside of your body tight when your inbetween looks and feels like roast beast (no typo) or your peen works about as well as a deadman's pacemaker, or well as a thrice convicted defendant's Public defender, or as well as an over the hill hooker's pimp.

(sorry I couldn't pick what figurative language I wanted to use.)

I guess nobody ever told ya if you're even mildly entertaining & your face isn't hard on the eyes, the only workout you need to worry about is your kegels & your gargling skills. #hoish intended.

I know what I said is crass, but I only half mean it. Being pretty isn't enough. You also have to have some smarts about you kiddo. @candice202 & I used to have a third friend in our little unit of happiness. She was always a beautiful girl born to a beautiful mother, but both of them were cursed with being silly enough to believe that their beauty was enough to get them through life.

Our friend was an abysmal student with numerous occupation changes (she never had a career) and even more boyfriends. She had her highpoints, but for the most part she was a b*%ch, yet somehow, she ALWAYS had a boyfriend, usually one who'd cake her, take her all around, proud as a peacock to have her on his arm. She'd revel in the happiness of her new beau UNTIL he would inevitably realize how little there was to her and lose interest.

Nearly every dude who broke up with her went on to be blissfully happy in his next relationship. sah dah teh.

All weekend on Twitter, I read tweets abt what makes someone #unwifeable or #unhusbandable. (Some of y'all really went IN.) If u have to tell someone what makes them beneath you, why are you even wasting your time? Chances are, they already know where they're lacking and it has NOTHING to do w/how they look.

If you take a look at the longest lasting couples, none of them consist of two perpetually gorgeous-all-the-time-people. They may be mismatched, or they may both be a little lumpy, hard on the eyes, or a teensie bit tacky. (This is not a fattist diss.) Chances are they are together because they recognize what means something to them.

I know plenty of people who don't care about muscles and pretty faces. I know lots of people who are enlightened enough to appreciate that which is within. They don't care what someone looks like as long as they are good and decent and attentive. Basquiat calls these people ugly seat fillers.

I also know lots of people who are fronting and acting like they don't care when really they are the most superficial. Some of the people I know take care of themselves now because they don't want to fall to rack and ruin as they age. They want to lead a long and healthy life.

Some folks.....some folks are only doing it for a purely narcissistic look.

I can't front, I've always been a bit of a body girl.

In JHS, my bf played football for the boys school on the other side of campus. He was a tall Creole Mack w/more than a little girth to him. Though we barely even kissed, I think he was who got me hooked. In HS, it was easy for boys to have a nice physique.

If a dude had a nice shoulder to waist ratio, (think of an upside down triangle...see below) I'd've prolly let him get a sniff.....(Sorry mommy.) In college, folks' freshman fifteen+fountains of beer+rapidly slowing metabolisms made it a little tougher for me to find body dudes w/anything of import or interest to say.

AMAZING what you can find online! Whooo! Shoulder to waist ration at its finest...umm...umm...umm....

Most of the dudes who caught my eye still were taking care of themselves, (albeit a little more passively as life began to get more & more serious,) but they were definitely channeling more of their energy into getting their hustle/grind on. I've found that the dudes/chicas who have all the time in the world and focus to be in the gym non stop to sculpt their bodies or work on their look, don't usually have the time to pick up a book or two in between their reps or grooming appointments; their convo usually falls flat after a few text correspondences.

I'm well aware of the generalization I'm making here. You show me the SINGLE & STRAIGHT academe/scholar w/a banging body & fascinating convo who's gainfully employed & not being a perpetual student, & I'll eat my words. You tuned in to THE LAUREN SHOW. This is life as I see it, you disagree? Leave a comment or change the station.

The vacuous yet perpetually well groomed/overly fit are like those cakes on Food Network Ace of Cakes shows; a lot of work goes into them, they're fascinating to look at, they'll give you a taste of a dessert, but they're not as decadent as their exterior would make you think.

For some people, this is cool. Some folks don't want a person of depth. Some folks feel like those of us w/more to talk about that the 5th avenue sales & the latest workout equipment @ CRUNCH are too much work. It requires more than a little effort to maintain a relationship with one of us. Or the puddles don't want someone they perceive as an equal because they don't wanna feel like they compete w/someone. So instead they go for the simple...the easy.... the available....Gottlieb would be proud.

umm... yeah... you can skip a few sessions my dude.

SIDEBAR: The gym is basically the extended Ghei club. So, ummm... Fellas if you're spending ALL your time in there, at all hours of the day and night counting your BMI & comparing your lats, delts, & pecks w/someone else....ummm...yeah. HEY GURLL!!! How you doin?

A pretty face or a nice waist is nice for your photo ops, but can you share your thoughts, hopes and dreams with him/her? Will you be able to take him/her to work functions and not have to babysit all night 'cause he/she can't make conversation about anything that isn't on BET?

You can't judge a coloring book by its cover.

So, when u get ready to do those extra 15 reps, think about who or what it is you're really doing it for. Is it 'cause you feel a little shortness of breath when you were backing it up on your bedfellow or 'cause you were tired of backing it up against your own hands & u're trying to bag a breathing bedfellow?

If it's the latter, put the shakeweights down & get thee to a library QUICK. Turn off Vh1 for a night & switch on Ovation. Gain brain weight instead of muscle weight. You'd be surprised @ how quickly the caliber of would-be-suitors improves if you have more to offer.

DISCLAIMER:
I didn't say it wld start raining elligible bachelors. It may take a little while for them to appear, but they will definitely be of a better quality & class than the dude who makes kiss sounds @ you in front of the bodega or the random lady who walks up to you outta nowhere, runs her fingers in your hair & reminds you of how dope your collaborative progeny would be.

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!!

I want it bad, your bad romance advice

I totally was going to write today about gender's role in education, you know, to show you guys I can write about diverse topics, but this one spoke to me a little bit more so we'll save that one for monday...it's more of a monday topic anyway.

I was talking to @manywomen about my forays into the dating world. I've always been boycrazy, so it only makes sense that at my age, I would be, ummm....man crazy I guess.

Standing in her office, I made the very public decision not to settle for things in a relationship that made me unhappy, uncomfortable, unsettled. In my past relationships, I had a tendency to make excuses for things I knew I shouldn't because in my mind I constantly heard that little nagging voice, the one terrified of growing old with my dogs and my gheis:

What if he's the one?

What if this is my lobster? (skip to the 8:11 mark)

Is he my special someone?

Is this my happily ever after?

I could accept his proposal, or I could keep holding out for his brother....hmmm

My mom married my dad when she was 24, had me at 25, my little brother at 28, and my baby brother at 31. For those who know me, even a little bit, you know that my Mommy is my template for womanhood. She is who I model myself after, who I long to be, whose possible embarrassment I consider whenever on the verge of wildin' out /spazzin'.

Even when I wasn't trying, something inside me was always forcing me to hangout in relationships that should not have been because I felt like I was decades behind her in my personal accomplishments.

I had the degrees she had, but not the solid personal life, so stick around I did.

Make plentiful excuses I did.

Settle over and over again, I did.

Maybe he made me laugh a lot.

Maybe he had access, power, faux confidence that lured me in.

Maybe he spoiled me.

Maybe he could lay the pipe well.

Maybe, maybe, maybe....

All these maybes mean d*ck when things just are not right. At the end of the day, settling is settling and all the wrongs will come to light usually at the most inopportune times, like at a work function when your beau misreads a ghei supervisor's catty exchange with you as disrespect and storms out of the function in front of ALL of your coworkers. *sigh*

As I was rambling on one of my many tirades in @manywomen's office today, she mentioned an article that she'd just read.

The site was reviewing Lori Gottlieb's upcoming book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough the premise of which is essentially to stop holding out for your ideal man and marry the dude that's almost what you want.

Umm, 'scuse me Ms. Gottlieb, but isn't that what most chicks have been doing all along? I mean, if I had a penny, not a larger coin or bill mind you, for every time one of the homies said:

"I mean he's not___________"

OR

"I don't really like it when he____________"

OR

sh*t...

You know what all the apologies for reckless dude's behavior sounds like...either shorty has made them about you, made them to you about whatever she went through before, or....hell, you get my drift.

Anyway, I'm really curious, when did settling become what was hot? I know I did it, well, I didn't really settle per se as much as I was sold a false bill of goods. I have fallen, time and time again, for someone who wasn't what I thought he was, mostly because each and EVERY time I shrugged and figured that whoever I was with was as good as it gets.

Time & time again I had the one I pretended was the ONE, but we both knew he wasn't.

This is not something new for me, or really for most people I know.

Why?

Because ultimately, everyone is TERRIFIED of growing old and dying alone. So, we settle. More times than not, we accept the lowest and most base level of treatment from a lover because it is emotionally cheaper to keep'her than start all over again with someone new.

We keep an unfaithful lover around.

We ignore known deal breakers to have an occasional arm piece.

We pretend certain annoying little things don't grate on our nerves.

We accept only being happy marginally happy instead of looking completely happy.

But is this anything novel?

Not trying to knock Gottlieb's hustle, but pretty much what she's "discovering" is damn near exactly what Terri McMillan wrote in Disappearing Acts. A successful, educated woman can't find a mate on her level/in her lane, so she settles for a blue collar man with more baggage than the chicks in the Badu video.

If you can't have a partner that is your equal, one that compliments you and urges you to grow and develop as a person, you may as well have one that will make you weak in the knees, even if half your salary goes to pay his child support to his baby mommas, plural, since he doesn't make enough money to take care of them on his own.

The greatest problem with Ms. Gottlieb's theory is that it is only encouraging WOMEN to settle and accept that "you ain't getting no younger, you might as well do it." She has essentially crafted another woe-is-me-woe-is-my-womanhood-reality for some into a theory.

Why doesn't this same brilliant theory apply to the men they're pursuing or waiting with baited breath for?

Possibly because the itch to get hitched for fellas doesn't kick in until later in life (in their 30s and 40s) whereas for many chicas, checking into matrimony hotel is a college post graduate plan. More often than not, the fellas approach marriage from a much more practical standpoint than merely bad romance.

This is one of the few times where the guys got it right. (*ducks shots*)

Marriages that start later in life have a higher success rate while those who get married too early, tend to have more issues and a greater rate of divorce. Research shows that it tends to be because people who marry young are ill equipped for the roles of husband and wife.

You mean to tell me that marriages work better when they occur between two GROWNups as opposed to younger people?

hmmm....

Who knew?

So basically, it isn't the notion of settling we should be focusing on as Gottlieb, the 40 year old single parent tells us (shots fired) but rather that we should make sure we are mature enough to handle the concept of happily ever after.

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!!

Revenge is a dish best served with a smile

I'm gonna try to free write this joint 'cause otherwise my editorial self may cause me to limit what I want to say.

So my boo @blackiecollins wrote a blogpost yesterday that really spoke to me. The topic of the blog is the retaliation of a woman scorned.

Blackie references SATC (the scene where Samantha tosses fliers about Richard's wrong doing around the city) and the mistress YaVaughnie Wilkins who recently put all of dude's photos & BI on front street when he broke it off w/her. 2008-9 were the years of the Cheaters (hell 2008was the year of the rat after all) but I'm declaring 2010 the year of the Scorned Free(it IS the year of the Tyger after all. MEEEEOOOWWWWW)

Why the year of the Free? (Firstly 'cause my big D will soon be finalized and I can start yelling "Free @ last, Free @ last, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I'M FREE @ LAST!!"I keed I keed.) The real reason is because I have been a woman scorned by my 1st spouse and instead of retaliating in any of the multiple awful, painful, and gruesome ways I imagined getting revenge, I have chosen through it ALL to take the high road.

Taking the high road when your love is thrown back in your face is not an easy thing to do.

Finding a way to do so is a way to find true freedom and true vengeance for the wrongs you have endured.

When you are used to reaching for the warmth of someone in your bed, hearing a laugh in the other room, or even used to arguing as though your life depended upon it, (let's be all the way real, someone has to be present in your life for you to argue with them and making up/releasing all that tension can be soso GOOD) initially, it is beyond torturous to find yourself in bed alone realizing that the only laugh you hear is your own and when you yell your voice only echoes through space that once was for two.

When first injured by a lover, many times it feels like death has coming to claim you because your spirit is so broken and the only way you can resuscitate your life is by destroying theirs.

AT FIRST.

I can't front, when I found out I wasn't the only one he was calling baby, via Facebook....CLASSY my first instinct led me to his closet. As most low self esteem men do, he masked his insecurities in the expensive or flashy trappings in hopes of garnering respect or admiration through his "style."

I flung the door open, tears streaming down my face, chest heaving with sobs....one hand clutched the door the other my phone as I narrated to @candice202 the physical incarnation of my misery I was about to reign down upon his denim & dunks.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length near his closet and realized how much I looked like Bernadette from Waiting to Exhale. Kudos to Angela Basset for capturing that seething rage wrestling with sorrow so accurately. I closed the door & sat on the floor & sobbed & screamed & decided I wasn't going to think abt it anymore for a few hours. Then I went out w/my friends as he was out w/her....on NYE and had the best time I'd had in THE LONGEST TIME.

I had every right, every access, and every opportunity to maim, massacre, and wound in this situation, but chose to leave injuries for that sweet gal known as Karma to dole out.

As I'm being honest, I couldn't resist, and eventually did do something to the clothes in his closet. I packed them up in bags for him to take with him when it seemed as though he was deliberately dragging his feet about FINALLY leaving. This did not go over well, wasn't entirely well received, but it was done, we both knew it was done. He wasn't the first man I watched walk out of my life, and he probably won't be the last.

My 1st husband was both my greatest mistake, and my greatest learning experience. For that, I am grateful. The devastation and misery I felt taught me a lot about myself and a lot about forgiveness. For the last year and change instead of trying to destroy them as I'd felt destroyed, I rebuilt myself.

I've come back to the world new & improved. Better, faster, stronger.... I've said it once, and I'll say it as long as there is breath in my body:

ONE MONKEY DON'T STOP THE LAUREN SHOW

Good living is the greatest revenge there is. I said I FELT destroyed but in actuality, that situation didn't break me. It hurt me, it affected me, it changed me, but it did not and will not embitter me nor did it stop my life.

Instead of letting it ruin me, I vowed to reflect upon it and come away from it better. I told you before that everything that happens to me becomes fodder for me to write about. Hell, if Nora Ephron could take her 1st husband's affair and spin into the empire of scorned woman rom-coms she has, why not me?

I crack PLENTY jokes it's the source of some of my best material & if someone asks what happened, I keep it 100 & tell the ENTIRE truth, but I NEVER allowed the hurt I felt manifest into negative action because doing so would only stoop me to a juvenile level that I refuse to dwell on.

Hurt people hurt people.

I believe in Hammurabi's laws for most violations of the laws of society, but they don't really apply for crimes of the heart.

Next time someone you care about does something to hurt you, consider the source and think of what it is that is motivating them to do it. Chances are, they're trying to respackle their heart back together from whoever last drop kicked it.

Don't vow to destroy them, wish them well & walk away on the high road. Otherwise you'll always just be trudging through the gutters and no one likes a guttersnipe.

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!!

When You Love Somebody....

I keep getting Dear Lauren emails about grown ups trying to define their relationships. Clearly from my last post you can see I too suffer from trying to define my situation. There seems to be too many people worrying about labels and what they mean instead of enjoying the person they are with for who they are and what they contribute to their lives. I pondered the topic of relationships, as I often do, and came up with a few sage words of wisdom. These are just my simple musings as I ponder l'amore and why it's so hard for so many of us to get right.

*le sigh*

The time that you're with someone is when you're with them. When you are not, you are with yourself and that should be good enough. Placing a label on what you're doing isn't like awarding someone a promotion at a company. The job is a tangible, concrete thing with measurable goals and results. Your relationship, if a happy one, is the stuff dreams are made of. You can't measure or define a dream. Dreams are fluid, wispy, and flow like water in whatever direction they choose.

The dimensions of a relationship are decisions that two people make regardless of their geography. Regardless of where you are, you are where your heart is. If you decide to let someone in your heart and hold them there, then you are together no matter where the two of you are. Look at the military couples who have to make considerations for their distance and know that they are going to be apart for at least 18 months. They make allowances and acceptances, but they are still together. As long as you're together in each other's hearts you always will be together.

Love and monogamy are not mutually exclusive. You can love someone madly and deeply and not be exclusive with them. Look at your best friend. You probably love and adore your best friend above all of your other friends, but yet and still you will always have other friends. Having other friends doesn't take away from the love you have for your truest friend. It doesn't make you any less of a friend to your bestie just because you have other friends.

The thing is, some people have a notion that there's a scarcity of everything and others have a notion that there is an abundance of everything. The objective in your life should be to be on the side of the abundance. There is only as much love in your life as you believe there is, so BELIEVE!

Love is boundless, love is limitless, love doesn't have an area code on it. Love is never wasted. Don't live life afraid to give it because you're afraid of getting your feelings hurt or losing your love.

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!!

Why We're Not Friends Pt 2.

So there was this guy, many many many moons ago, and I was CRAZY about him.

I can't even tell you how many pieces I wrote about him & the way he made me feel.

I was young and silly. He was slightly older, and seemingly more together. (seemingly)

In my own little weird way, I fell for him.

In his own obscure and strange way, he fell for me.

The greatest issue between us was we spoke different languages. Not literally. We both spoke English, but it was how we spoke it that was different.

Those who know me know that I am a wordy chick. He was, and still is a man of few words, but his actions were strong.

Me being a woman of words and actions to back them up and him being a man of actions with few words to support them meant we NEVER SPOKE THE SAME LANGUAGE.

Being a literal earth sign, and wanting clarity because of course at early 20 something having a guy who wants to spend EVERY EVENING with you is not really clear what he wants, I constantly hit him with a barrage of questions about our situation. I asked him about his, ahem, other activities, but worst of all, I CONSTANTLY asked him

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

What does that even mean?

It was clear we were dating and frolicking. We had an INCREDIBLE physical chemistry and it was clear to everyone around us that we were liking each other a whole whole WHOLE lot. Hell, truth be told we more than liked each other. I know I did anyway. I loved dude, some of me still does. If I use the Rosetta Stone of his actions to translate how he feels, I think he did too.

We just didn't have a label on what we were doing. Instead of just enjoying what was happening between us, I needed it defined, I needed it concrete. I wasn't willing to read the subtitles and decipher what he meant. I needed it plain and in my language.

In many ways, I feel as though part of the reason we self destructed, or at least reduced each other to glorified long distance f*%k buddies was because I bludgeoned the beauty out of what we had with that damn question.

Years later, we were fortunate enough to reconnect and RECONNECT and.....whooo...well you get the gist of it. Only when we did, life had managed to get in the way, physically, emotionally, and UNCOMFORTABLY.

The love I felt for him way back when never disappeared, I knew it, I felt it, but even though time had added numbers to our ages, we still didn't speak the same language. Though I wasn't asking the question anymore and was concentrating all my energy into just letting things be between us and enjoying it day by day.....ummmm.....how can I put this?

Have you seen Like Water for Chocolate? I think I've referenced it before on the blog. I totally effin love that book & movie. Speaking of lost in translation....

In it, there are two lovers who have spent the bulk of their lives pining for each other, longing for each other, marrying others just to stay in each other's proximity when life got in the way.

At the end of the movie, life had finally run its course, obstacles were out of the way and they were finally able to consumate their love for one another. The love between them had lasted so long and burned so strongly that when they finally, ahem, touched, in the biblical sense of the word, dude had a heart attack and died. Some odd and poetic imagery follows in which the female protagonist ate matches and the house combusted burning them both and allowing them to live eternally together in the afterlife.

start at around 1:20 for the love fest.

Ignoring the Pyramus and Thisbe-esque ending, I always feel like that movie is a metaphor for me and dude.

What we feel/felt, for one another burns so strongly within us that were we to ever give it a name or admit what it is/was, it would surely consume us and be our demise. Not because we would combust like poor Tita, but because admitting and accepting what he didn't want to say would change how we move through our lives.

So instead we let what we had and what we felt drift away dissolving into the recesses of our memories.

I think fondly upon him and wonder what he's up to. Maybe our paths will cross again and he'll say all the right things and I'll know how to act right. I wonder if he remembers....

SMOOCHES!!!!

SHINE ON!!!

Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone

Love is not finding someone you can live with. It's finding someone you can't live without. "

-Rafael Ortiz

Appreciation

Not a difficult idea to grasp, but for some reason, damn near impossible for most people to put into action.

When I say people, I am specifically talking about people in relationships. Why is it that so many people take their significant others for granted until they're afraid that they are going to vanish?

When trying to gain a girl or a guy, people tend to put their best selves forward. They are charming, sweet, affectionate, funny, all of the things necessary to lure the possible significant other in. Think of it like the pretty part of a venus flytrap.

But once most people get the person they're pining after, things tend to change.

Spouses stop taking care of themselves physically 'cause they're overly comfortable in their relationship.

BF's stop doing the romantic gestures that originally won them a girl out of their league.

Lovers become inconsiderate because they're overly comfortable with their mate.

The sex stops being attentive, passionate, sensitive.

PS When folks gain weight 'cause of being happy with who they're with, I call it the Fat Happy In Love Disease. It's WORSE than the Freshman 15.

Why?

Why allow being comfortable to sabotage your happiness?

Most folks out there dating/courting/being with someone have it TOTALLY twisted. The work shouldn't be trying to win the person. It's easy to be good and kind and wonderful to someone for a short period of the courtship. Even the greatest *sshole in the world can manage to be charming for a brief period.

The work should be in KEEPING the person because that requires that you be good and kind and wonderful to someone for a LONG period of time. It isn't enough to bait the person and get them on your hook. The trick to being a good mate is keeping them hooked.

I'm not advocating being a performer or being phony to the person your are offering your heart to. I'm saying that these are traits you should display in life PERIOD. If you love someone or care for them, why shouldn't they ALWAYS get the best of you? Who or what rainy day are you saving it for if not them?

When I would complain that he no longer showed me the same undying affection and attention that he used to 1st Husband used to say something that drove me MAD (and not in a good way.)

"We don't have to do all that sappy, romantic stuff . That sh*t is so commercial and for people who want what we have. (WORD?) We have our whole lives to live together to show how we feel. I'm home every night with you, (No, you're really not) wake up every morning with you, (Again, Negative.)....Shouldn't that be enough to show you how I feel?"

ummm.. DENIED.

Being around someone all the time does not quality time make. Being in the same space and barely acknowledging a person is not pledging your love to them. It doesn't make someone feel appreciated just 'cause you're there and your eyes are glued to whatever version of Madden I pre-ordered on Amazon.

You don't get to be selfish and self centered just because you now "have" the person in your life. They are giving you the gift of their love; the greatest gift anyone person can give another person.

Take care of yourself and your mate because that is what you SHOULD do.

Be considerate and affectionate to your partner because that is what you SHOULD do.

Be honest and consistent with yourself and them because that is what you SHOULD do.

Just saying that you love them yet doing things that conflict with what love is supposed to be is not fair and is taking the object of your affection for granted. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

Think I'm lying? Don't wanna listen to me? Guess what happens next.

No one, unless they're a martyr trying to win nominations for sainthood, wants to do things in a relationship and see no return. One can only take someone for granted for so long before they get fed up and eventually tell you to "go and do you."

They spend some time alone, they regroup, they get back to their fighting weight/full flyness, and they get happy again.

Nothing makes someone more attractive and enticing than someone who is confident and happy about who they are and the life they live.

Eventually, they find someone new who does appreciate them, who does value them, for a little bit longer than the courtship phase, who makes them laugh, who understands their idiosyncrasies a little better than you did and then what do you do? Like an asshole you start saying and doing all of things you should have done when the person pledged their love to you.

le sigh

Avoid all the drama. If you're with someone you love, and you truly love them, don't wait for them to be off and happy with someone else. Treat the person you love with the same attention and gusto you do when you are first trying to lure them and attract them to you and (if it's what the two of you want) you'll find you'll live happily ever after together.

SMOOCHES!!!

SHINE ON!!!!!

Bad Timing

I've never been able to understand the way people survive in long distance relationships. I enjoy my space and being able to move freely, but when I lay down to go to sleep, I often wish there was someone here with me to wrap his arms around me. So I got to thinking about all the ways it could hurt, and came up with this...

Our timing always sucked.

You were there I was here.

But when we spoke, it was always like you were just across my pillow.

We created together.

I created and you inspired.

Wrote verses of the futures we imagined together,

the dreams I dreamed we'd share,

all the things we would do if ever fortunate enough to live up to the promise poetry would bring.

You were not just my muse.

Not ever a MANCHILD.

You once were the perfect Unicorn.

Comfortable and confident enough to allow me to be the beautiful disaster I've always been

and not be threatened by it.

Our similarities were so vast. So expansive. So numerous. So familiar. So easy.

Our differences were so vast. So expansive. So numerous. So foreign. So difficult.

You were there and I was here.

THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET.

Without it, I would have died from the anticipation of waiting to hear your words.

We talked for hours on the phone talked even longer online.

Talking so that our words could have the proximity our bodies couldn't

You wanted to be only mine and would have been had it not been for....

I wanted to be only yours and would have been had it not been for.....

You claimed another woman when you should have claimed me.

and another

and another again

You stopped calling

You stopped writing

I'm still sorry it took me so long.

My heart felt like it had fallen through my feet.

But even hollow, I was willing to be yours.
even hollow, you were willing to be mine.

I arrived; even if only for a short spell it was long enough for you to feel what I meant.

Now we both were there.

But we weren't here together.

You had her,

Even if she wasn't there.

We stood awkwardly holding onto pieces of lives we could have been living together.

Then your phone rang.

We walked away to others who would never even know our minds were on each other.

Seeing you and not being with you, I felt my heart fall to the ground again at your feet.

Years passed

and you found another.

I began to court another.
What choice did I have?

But he was Unworthy, and he acted the part well.
Didn't know to tell him my ♥ had already been pledged to another.

I didn't mind because though I went through the motions w/him, my heart was still at your feet.

Unworthy, and he acted it well.

Uncomfortable and so insecure he tried to destroy the beautiful disaster I've always been;

he was so threatened by it.

We fell apart.

Quietly and secretly, I was glad.

A small part of me always wished that you would find me again.

This time, I found you.

We were at an impasse

My last name was different.

Though our hearts were still the same.

Seeing you, I didn't feel hollow anymore.

I could feel every thud of my heart as we spoke.

I could hear every breath I took.

I could smell you as though there'd never been miles between us.

But we were at an impasse.

We smiled.

We hugged, though I knew what the hug would do.

Feeling you and not feeling you I felt the familiar dislodging of my heart from my chest.

Your lips brushed my cheek in salutation and again in fairwell

You let them linger a second longer than you should have

I had to pull away,

didn't I?

I wanted only to feel them on the place on my neck you've been the only one to find.

I wanted only to take you in my arms and never let go.

I wanted only to tell you all that I'd never said so as not to make the miles between us feel like a thousand tiny daggers carving away at the place my heart once was.

I wanted to cave to the temptation and make your words across my pillow be an actuality and no longer simply a possibility.

Beyond tempted to take you wherever you would have me go.

But you are there

and I am here

There will most likely be othersfor me

There have always been othersfor you

Unworthy, they'll always act thepart.

So here we are,

we will always be with me here and you there.

Our timing has always sucked.